Analytical Writing Assessment (AWA) | AWA Answer Feedback

Hello,

I have just finished writing my first AWA Essay and looking for feedback.
Admittedly the model answer has been published however I thought it be best to gain tailored feedback to my actual response.
I planned and wrote the essay in 30 mins (test conditions).
5 mins planning
20 mins writing
5 mins proofreading

Question: "Most companies would agree that as the risk of physical injury occurring on the job increases, the wages paid to employees should also increase. Hence it makes
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