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Analytical Writing Assessment (AWA) | Sample AWA question with answer! *Please rate, thank you*

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Hi All! Here is an AWA prompt with my answer in bold. Please critique it and I hope it's useful.

The following appeared in a memorandum written by the chair of the music department to the president of Omega University.

“Mental health experts have observed that symptoms of mental illness are less pronounced in many patients after group music therapy sessions, and job openings in the music-therapy field have increased during the past year. Consequently, graduates from our degree program for music
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